


Iterum Nata

by EaManning, Rey_Skywalker12 (EaManning)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben Solo Deserves Better, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Bendemption, But star wars style, Drama, F/M, Sort of a fix-it, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers, elements of a christmas carol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:53:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21905518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EaManning/pseuds/EaManning, https://archiveofourown.org/users/EaManning/pseuds/Rey_Skywalker12
Summary: Rise of Skywalker spoilers! Please don't read if you haven't seen!|||||||||||VBen Solo accepts his fate at the end. However, the Force works in mysterious ways and decides to give him one last chance. The Force Ghosts of some familiar faces show him glimpses of the past in order to help him see the error of his ways and perhaps even change them for the better. If he succeeds, he will get a second chance at a life with Rey. However, he is warned that one mistake is all it takes to fail, in which case he will be doomed to spend the rest of his afterlife in limbo. Ben is determined to succeed and get back to the one he loves.
Relationships: Ben Solo & Han Solo, Leia Organa & Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 9
Kudos: 30





	1. A Second Chance

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! I'm assuming if you are here that you have seen The Rise of Skywalker and if you have not, that you have been warned about spoilers and therefore please do not complain that you have been spoiled for the movie if you have not seen it and are here. 
> 
> Still with me? Great!
> 
> This story came out of love for Rey and Ben and sadness for how it ended. So many great fix-it stories have been created as a result, but I wanted to do something different. In this, Ben has to work for his happy ending because he has a lot to atone for. His journey back to Rey won't be an easy one, but rewarding if he can stick with it. I have this mapped out and outlined, so hopefully updates should not be a problem. Anyway, so glad you're here, and I hope you enjoy!

  1. _A Second Chance_



Seeing her lying on the cold ground at the feet of the Sith throne made Ben feel something he never thought he’d ever feel again: regret. Regret was an emotion Kylo Ren had never allowed himself to feel. The mistakes that were made during his reign as the leader of the Knights of Ren, then later as the Supreme Leader, were made by the men and women who were under his leadership. Lesser beings, he’d thought at the time, who made the mistakes because they did not yield the power or wisdom that came through mastery of the Force. If there was anything that made Kylo Ren feel regret, it was that he worked with those who were lesser, and therefore not as adequate as he was.

That all changed after the fight with Emperor Palpatine. He had done all he could to help Rey win the battle against her grandfather, but in the end it had not been enough. _He_ had not been enough. As a result, he’d been thrown down into a pit while Rey was forced to end the fight on her own. She was the strongest person he’d ever had the privilege to know, but he had been too late to realize it. She’d made clear so many times that she would only join him if he shed the persona of Kylo Ren and become Ben Solo once more. If only he’d realized in time that it was the right thing to do: the _only_ thing to do.

If only he’d realized in time that she was enough for him.

Now his entire being was filled with regret as he stumbled and pushed himself in the direction of her lifeless form. Seeing her crumbled and utterly defeated was almost more than he could bear. If he’d been able to stand up to Palpatine, he would have been able to help her and use their Dyad bond to defeat him. Then maybe she’d still be alive and all of this regret would not be eating him alive from the inside.

Ben’s worst fear was confirmed as he reached where she lay. Her eyes, once full of hope and spirit, now were empty and lifeless. Her chest was not rising and falling with breath, and the sheer unfairness of it all was simply too much for him. She should not have had to face this alone. And now, because of his inadequacy, she had paid the ultimate price.

Ben fell to the ground and pulled her body to him, twisting it so that she was resting in his arms. He stared into her dead gaze, trying in vain to sense even the faintest glimmer of the Force within her, but of course there was nothing left to sense.

Rey was gone. And she did not deserve to be.

His mind made up, he felt within himself for the part of the Force that he had suppressed long ago. It took him a moment because it had been so long since he’d been in tune with the light side, but it was there. And before long he was letting the Light side wash over him in a way he had not felt for years and once had believed he’d never feel again. He let the Light fully engulf him and let himself become one with it as he raised his hand and gently placed it over her stomach and gave to her what she had once given him.

As he let his life force pull from him and into her, he had no delusions about what would happen next. She’d made the ultimate sacrifice for himself and the rest of the galaxy. Giving his own life for hers was the least he could do.

And he was okay with that. After all, it was the least that she deserved.

He smiled inwardly to himself moments, seconds, and years later, as she raised her hand to touch his face and blinked as life coursed through her body once more. All he could feel in that moment was happiness and acceptance as she grew stronger and he grew weaker. This was right. This was what was meant to happen. He knew he was grateful for even this one last moment with her.

Rey’s gaze met his own, and the smile that blossomed on her face filled him with a warmth he knew he did not deserve but gladly accepted nonetheless. Ben wanted to pull her to him and embrace her for as long as he had left, but Rey acted first. She raised herself up to her knees and touched her lips to his, giving him the kiss he’d only been able to imagine in his dreams. In that briefest moment it was just him and her, and everything else faded away. What he wouldn’t have given to freeze that moment and live in it forever. To bask in her presence and be hers for as long as she would have him. He wished with everything he had left that he could go back and undo his previous choices so that he could have been with her longer. He should have realized that she was enough for him and that her faith in him would have helped him. However, he knew it was impossible so all he had left was this moment. At least now he could die knowing that he had made the right choice in the end. He hoped it would be enough to allow him to reunite with those he also should have loved and appreciated.

When she broke off the kiss he knew it was time. He was becoming weaker by the second and everything was fading quickly. Ben didn’t care about any of that. All he wanted was to be able to look into her eyes for the last few precious moments he could. He was sorry that he was leaving her alone, though she would never be truly alone anymore. She had her friends in the Resistance. No doubt they would go on to rebuild the Republic and shape it to better serve the galaxy. Rey would do a good job. He had faith that she would make a wonderful leader and perhaps even rebuild the Jedi order in a new way that would look past the mistakes of their predecessors and serve and guide in a way their ancestors could not.

The galaxy was in good hands. Ben could rest easy knowing that.

And when he closed his eyes, he knew it would be for the last time.

~*~*~*

Ben was, and he wasn’t. He existed, yet he did not. Was he conscious? Or was this a part of the afterlife he had not foreseen? He tried to look around himself, but there was nothing but a void wherever he turned. If he even had a body or a head to turn. Ben didn’t know. If this was what it was to die, it definitely was not how he’d imagined it to be. He had been hoping to be something of a Force ghost that would be able to watch Rey and appear to her whenever she wished or willed it. And if he could not have had that, then at least to have been at peace. He did not think this was what peace in the afterlife was. He was confused and the beginnings of anger were starting to emerge. He tried to ignore that. He didn’t want to fall into old habits, especially here.

“Hello?” he tried to speak. To his ears it sounded as though he’d been successful in making a sound, but he could not be sure. One thing he was sure of was that he did not want to be alone in this…place? Void? It was impossible to tell.

There was no exploring because there was nothing to explore. Emptiness surrounded him for seemingly no end in sight. Perhaps this was his punishment for Kylo Ren. To live in this state of unrest and confusion for the rest of eternity. Disappointment flooded him, but he became resigned to it. After all, turning back to the Light and to Ben Solo was too little too late, and even his last act of resurrecting the savior of the galaxy was not enough to give him peace.

“Oh, I don’t know about that.” A familiar voice filled the void, one that Ben immediately recognized. Hope surged in him for the first time since waking up in this emptiness. He tried to speak again, and was immediately filled with relief when he was successful.

“M-Mom? Is that you?”

There, right in the middle of the void, appeared an image of his mother. She appeared to him exactly as he remembered her: warm brown eyes, brown hair up in a bun on top of her head. The only difference was that she was wearing long, majestic Jedi robes of white and blue. She smiled up at him with warmth he did not feel he deserved, but he stepped forward regardless and embraced her in a hug he did not know he was capable of giving in a place like this.

“I’m so sorry, Mom!” he cried into her shoulder, just as he’d done as a young boy when he’d believed all he needed to do was go to his mother and she’d solve all his problems. “I’m so sorry!”

“I know you are, my dear boy.”

Leia Organa let him cry against her for as long as he needed. Time did not seem to exist here, so it did not really matter how long it was. Ben would have believed it if he’d been told it was seconds or millennia. It simply felt so right to be back in his mother’s arms, and for her to still accept him after everything he’d done and all the grief he’d caused her was enough to renew his love her for tenfold. He’d gained back the love of the only two women in his life he cared for and for the thousandth time he felt like a fool for not thinking it was enough sooner.

When he finally pulled away from her, he was greeted by her loving smile and it was nearly enough to cause him to fall apart once again. Luckily he managed to keep his wits about him as he asked, “What is this? Why are we here?”

To his surprise, his mother chuckled softly to herself. “I would have thought that was obvious. We’re here because of you.”   
  


“Me?”

Leia nodded. “Yes, Ben. The choices you made at the end granted you a second chance.”

“A second chance for what?” Ben hardly dared to let himself have hope, but he wanted to be sure before he completely set himself up for disappointment.

“Ben, you of all people know that the Force works in mysterious ways. You may have made terrible choices as Kylo Ren, but you were once Ben Solo, and you saw the Light at the end, and that cannot be discounted. Even my father, Darth Vader, saw the Light at the end of his life and he was deemed worthy to become one with the Force and reunite with those he’d once betrayed.”

“So you’re saying that I…”

“You’re not quite there yet, my dear,” Leia cut in sadly, gazing at him with both love and sorrow. “There’s still a reckoning you must endure. However, if you are successful and see the Light and embrace it once and for all, you may be offered a second chance.”

“At what?” Ben asked again, understanding close but not quite within his grasp.

“At life. A second chance to live as you should have with the right choices this time. With the people, or person, you came back to the Light for.”

“You mean…if I get through this reckoning, that I might have a second chance with Rey?” It was simply too much to hope for. He felt as though he might cry, if crying was a thing in this void.

Another smile escaped Leia, this one knowing and filled with understanding. “It won’t be easy, Ben. There will be much you don’t care to remember and much you choose not to see. However, if you turn your back on your misdeeds, or if you do not see the errors of your past choices, the reckoning will be deemed a failure and you will remain here. There will not be a third chance.”

“I understand, Mother. I’ll do anything I have to in order to return to her. Just tell me what I have to do.” Never could Ben remember ever being so determined. If the Force was giving him an opportunity to reunite with Rey and live a life with her, he could not turn away from it.

“When you are determined to be ready, you will enter a series of tests. Your decisions in these tests will conclude whether or not you are able to move on. You will know when it is time,” Leia explained.

She crossed over to him and pulled him in for one final embrace. “I’m rooting for you, Ben. This may not be how I envisioned our reunion to be, but I have hope that you will succeed. Good luck. And may the Force be with you.”

Then, just as suddenly as she’d appeared, she was gone.

And Ben was alone once again.


	2. The Temple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is reunited with his estranged uncle for his first test.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Sorry this chapter took longer than expected. 
> 
> -Just a quick note: I have not read the Kylo Ren comics yet, so I don't know the exact details about the burning of Luke's temple. I based the scene on what I have heard and my own interpretation of what happened based on The Force Awakens & Last Jedi scenes and mentions of it. Please forgive any mistakes. 
> 
> -Sadly Rey is not in this chapter, though she will make a brief appearance in chapter 3. 
> 
> I think that's it for now. Please read and enjoy!

_ 2\. The Temple _

Ben could feel his impatience growing. It seemed the harder he tried to subdue it, the worse his impatience grew. He wanted whoever was supposed to appear to guide him to get there quickly because he could not stand being separated from Rey this long. The need to be back with her was so strong it was like a physical ache in his being.

Instinctually, Ben knew she was fine without him. She still had her friends, who were now serving as her found family. She was fiercely independent and could take care of herself. She didn’t need him. In fact, the opposite was true. He needed her, more than he was willing to admit.

He just wished he hadn’t realized it until it was too late.

Finally, when he did not think he could stand the boredom any longer, a light appeared in the periphery of his vision. He turned towards it, wondering what it could possibly be. Was it the beginning of his test? He wished his mother hadn’t been so cryptic in her explanation of what he should expect because now he didn’t know whether to be nervous, scared, or happy. He didn’t know which emotion he was currently feeling, either, though he didn’t really know if it was possible to have emotions in this place he now found himself. It must be possible, however, because Ben felt he as though he was running through an entire marathon of them.

All his emotions faded quickly from him the moment his visitor became clear to him. Upon looking into the eyes of his Uncle Luke, the only emotion left to him was anger.

The figure of his uncle looked much older than the apparition that had appeared before him on Crait. His hair was grayer and longer, his belly fatter, and his eyes sadder. He looked like a man resigned rather than the man full of fight and spirit that he’d known for most of his life. He was dressed in the typical garb of a Jedi, though Ben got the strange sense that it wasn’t really by choice. This man, or ghost, or whatever he was, did not look like a Jedi. He just looked like a defeated old man.

“What are _you_ doing here?” Ben snapped before he could help it.

“I’m not too happy about it either, kid,” came his uncle’s exhausted reply.

“You didn’t answer the question,” Ben pointed out sourly as he crossed his large arms over his chest.

Luke shook his head, sighed, then began pacing around the space surrounding them. “Didn’t Leia explain to you what was going to happen?”

“Barely. She only said I’d be put through a series of tests and that if I failed I’d never get to see Rey again.”

Luke sighed again, his pace quickening just the slightest bit. “Did she happen to explain what these tests would _entail?”_ The impatience emanating from his voice was putting Ben on edge. He felt as though there was something that hadn’t been made clear to him and that it would throw him for a loop.

“Not exactly,” he finally admitted, grudgingly.

At this, Luke stopped his pacing and rubbed his brows, looking more annoyed than Ben could remember seeing him. “These tests are more like glimpses. The Force wants you to look at certain moments of your past where you strayed from the path you should have taken.”

Ben frowned. “I’m going to be going back to my past? To what, fix it?”

“To see what could have been done differently. To see the man you should have become, rather than who you are now.”

That was more than Ben could stand. He stormed over to the apparition of his uncle and got close enough to him that they were practically nose-to-nose. “From where I’m standing, you played just as much of a role as to who I am now as I did!”

He didn’t know what sort of reaction he’d been expecting from Luke, but the old man just looked defeated and resigned. “I’m sorry, Ben. I wish I could show you just how sorry I am.”

Ben stared into his uncle’s eyes for another few moments before huffing and stepping away from him. Getting upset over the past at his uncle’s ghost wouldn’t do him any good now. What was done was done, and Ben needed to accept that. It might still pain him, and interacting with his loathsome uncle might fill him with a boiling rage, but it was what the Force willed, and Ben was not about to question the Force when it was giving him a second chance to return to Rey.

Rey was all that mattered.

“What do I have to do?” Ben asked quietly. This time it was his turn to pace the area around him.

“I’m going to take you back to where it all began since I am partially responsible for the outcome.” Ben turned to glare at Luke, who merely shrugged. “It seems the Force has a sick sense of humor.”

“And what am I supposed to do when we get there? Do I try to change it, or am I just supposed to relive it and regret the choice I made?”

“No one can change the past, Ben,” Luke replied sadly. “The only thing we can do is learn from it, then move on.”

Though it had been the answer he’d expected, the reality of it still caused him to feel slight regret. Maybe if he was permitted to change the past he could take away the pain he’d inadvertently caused Rey. She hadn’t deserved any of it, yet he’d brought it down upon her. It was a wonder she’d still felt him worth redemption. It was more than _he’d_ deserved.

“Are you ready?” Luke’s voice cut through Ben’s self-pity. Ben brought his gaze up to meet his uncle’s soft one.

At Ben’s terse nod, Luke held out his wrinkled hand. Ben didn’t have to be told to know what would happen when he did.

He’d half-expected his fingers to pass through his uncle’s, but it became corporeal enough for him to grip, and the moment his skin touched Luke’s, his surroundings changed from the dark void to what felt like his entire life being put on rewind. He was able to catch glimpses of certain moments, but none of it was tangible enough to see clearly. His heart clenched when he managed to spot glimpses of Rey, but they were fleeting and not nearly long enough.

When the images finally stopped, Ben found himself in the last place he’d ever wanted or expected to be again.

He was back at Luke’s training temple.

Ben turned to Luke, who just looked back at him with grief in his eyes. “Believe me, kid, I’m not any happier about being back here than you are.”

Ben didn’t have the energy to reply. He had a feeling it would take all the strength he had left just to get through this test. So he turned his attention on his surroundings, noticing for the first time that it was daylight. Students he hadn’t thought about in years were walking across the grounds. Most of them were talking and laughing with each other, though a few were sitting in the grass and practicing levitating, meditating, or even practicing their skill with lightsabers.

That was where Ben caught sight of his younger self, though younger Ben sat by himself, his nose buried in the pages of a book. A few of the students who passed him tried to get his attention, but Ben either didn’t hear them or he was simply too engrossed in what he was reading to acknowledge them.

“Do you remember this day?” Luke asked, causing Ben to jump. He hadn’t realized Luke had gotten so close to him. Luke had stepped up so that he was standing by his nephew’s shoulder, his gaze fixed on Past Ben.

The current Ben followed his uncle’s gaze to rest on his past self, a mix of emotions swelling within him, regret chief among them. “This was the day before you turned on…” he trailed off, glancing at his uncle from the corner of his eye. “…before I left.”

Luke didn’t reply to his correction, allowing Ben to continue.

“I was trying to read up on Force meditation techniques, but it was hard to concentrate because I kept hearing his voice in my head.”

“Snoke’s.” Luke hadn’t phrased it as a question.

“I thought so at the time. Turns out Palpatine was the one pulling the strings.” Ben knew Luke was aware that Palpatine had been brought back from the dead by the Sith Eternal so he didn’t bother explaining how it was possible. He continued on with his explanation, surprised to find that the more he talked the easier it was to continue.

“He kept telling me that I was wasting my time. I’d never be a proper Jedi because I was more inclined to the Dark side. He said that I’d never reach my true potential if I wasted my time studying the Light. Then he would put images in my mind of you and my parents not trusting me and how you were filled with so much doubt. I know that he was only trying to brainwash me, but it was so convincing.”

Ben paused as he watched his past self suddenly slam shut the book he was trying to read and throw it to the ground. The few students who were around him gazed up in alarm, but Past Ben was too busy gathering his things and marching toward the barracks to notice.

“I wish I’d known,” Luke muttered. Ben had the feeling his uncle was talking more to himself than to him. “If I had known the struggle that was going on within you I would’ve…”

“What?” Ben snapped, suddenly bitter. “What would you have done? Called Mother and have her pick me up? He was inside my mind. He was corrupting my thoughts. What could you possibly have done to help me get him out?”

“I may not have been able to help you physically, but I could have supported you. I could have believed in you and together we would have found a way. But instead…” Luke let the sentence hang in the air, unfinished.

“I know.” The words escaped from Ben’s lips as though they had a will of their own. “This isn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known the degree to which he was there. I should have come to you and asked you for help. But Snoke…Palpatine…he was too strong. What he said and the images he put in my mind…I was too weak to resist them.”

Suddenly the world around them started spinning again, but it did not last long that time. When it stopped again it was nightfall and an all too familiar scene now lay before them.

Past Ben was asleep in his hut. Ben and Luke were standing just outside the door and watched as Past Luke marched down to the hut with his unlit lightsaber in his hands. Ben sneaked a glance at the current apparition of his uncle, finding just as much pain and anguish on his face as Ben felt.

They watched in silence as Luke went inside the hut. The moment he crossed the barrier the two current versions were transported inside as well. There was no escaping the scene they were about to watch. Ben wished he was able to change the events so that what happened next did not have to occur, never mind how impossible he knew it to be.

Ben watched as Past Luke stared his past self’s sleeping form, looking tormented yet determined. He ignited his lightsaber and raised it, though the resolve slid out of his uncle the moment the weapon had been raised in the air.

Unfortunately that was the moment Past Ben woke up. He saw his uncle with the raised lightsaber and had jumped to the conclusion that he was about to kill him.

Ben could remember the events as they played out before him. His anger and the desperation to get his own lightsaber before his uncle could strike him through with his own; Snoke’s voice in his mind, whispering to him that this was what he had foreseen. His uncle never trusted him. His _parents_ never trusted him. That was the whole reason he’d been sent away in the first place.

Now Ben knew that hadn’t been entirely true. His family had trusted him, but they’d been scared. Palpatine had manipulated his thoughts and feelings and had forced him to see through the distorted lens of a kid who was looking for the worst to happen.

“I’m sorry, Luke,” Ben whispered as they watched Past Ben use the Force to pull the hut to the ground. “It’s true that Palpatine was manipulating me through Snoke, but I should have had more faith in you.”

“How could you have any in me when you wake up to see your own uncle brandishing his lightsaber on you?” Luke replied miserably. “I practically pushed you into Snoke’s grasp.”

“This wasn’t your fault.” Upon seeing his uncle’s skeptical face, he relented, “Well, not all of it. There’s plenty of blame to go around. You may not have trusted me, but I didn’t exactly give you any reason to. Maybe if I had confided in you earlier, things would have turned out differently.”

The two were suddenly back outside, watching as fire consumed the temple. Past Ben was looking on in horror, watching as his uncle’s temple burned. Ben could remember wondering if he had been the one to cause it. Now he knew it had been Palpatine acting through Snoke; he’d wanted Ben to blame himself so he’d have even more of a reason to run to him. He could remember gathering the students who had run outside and still trusted him and taking them away from the temple to what safety they could find.

Luke’s hand suddenly found Ben’s shoulder. He gave it a squeeze. “This was not your doing, Ben. I see that now. I told Rey it had been you…how could I have been so blind?”

“You saw what had transpired and your mind made the connections that made sense. How could you have come to any other conclusion?” Ben gently stepped out of his uncle’s grasp, not quite ready to accept his compassion completely. There was still so much more to learn and atone for.

“Ben, I know this is asking a lot just now…but can you find it in your heart to forgive me?”

Ben was spared having to reply as the world around them suddenly began spinning yet again, though this time they weren’t taken to another time in the past. They were back in the darkness of the void. Ben wasn’t sure if he was grateful or not.

Now that it was just Luke and himself again, Ben didn’t have any other place to focus his attention. He reluctantly met his uncle’s gaze and sighed. “I don’t know if it’s possible given where we are, but I’ll try to forgive you. I just need some time.”

Luke smiled for the first time since he’d appeared to his nephew. “That’s all I can ask. Healing does not happen right away. It takes time to heal wounds, both physical and emotional. After all we’ve been through, I can’t expect anything right away.”

A few moments passed in awkward silence. Luke was the one to break it. “You did good, kid. We both learned some hard truths from the past and we got through it together.”

“So I passed the first test?”

Luke nodded slowly. “I feel your success through the Force. If they all go by as smoothly as that, it shouldn’t be long before you’re reunited with Rey.”

The prospect was almost too much to hope for. “How many more tests will there be?”

At this Luke shrugged, looking almost like the man Ben remembered him to be. “I can’t say, kid. I do know that my time with you is done for the time being. You’ll know when the second test begins. Know that I’m rooting for you. You were dealt a bad hand but making up for it now may make all the suffering worth it in the end.”

Ben wanted to say that any amount of suffering he was yet to endure would be worth it even if it meant a moment back in Rey’s company. However, he didn’t want the Force to get any ideas.

He also wasn’t quite ready to admit those sorts of personal feelings to his uncle. He and Luke still had a long way to go to healing their relationship.

“I’ll be with you the whole way, kid. Even if you don’t see me or sense my presence, know that I’m rooting for you.”

And with that, the apparition of his uncle disappeared, and Ben was left alone in the void once again.


End file.
